Brave and the Bold #60(Final part)

Yay, last part of the tour-de-force that everybody will soon be talking about(in my mind at least), the conclusion of the Separated Man saga. I've read some fantastic comic book tales in my day. And I've also read this... Let's all sit back and find out how the Teen Titans plan on defeating a giant foot, as well as a giant ear... Personally, I'm still waiting for some of the more... Shall we say, lewd parts of the Separated Man to make their presence known...

Brave and the Bold #60(July 1965):

Summary: Oh, so the giant mouth isn't just trying to blow Wonder Girl from the sky, it's also screaming at her. Yes, it's screaming so loudly, that poor Wondy can't even think... Luckily, she snatches a billboard and throws it in the mouth's... Um, mouth? That shuts it up and and causes it to retreat. From there, the Titans can't seem to locate the Separated Man(I'm going to ignore Kid Flash falling into a pit of mud because it's just too embarrassing...), who has gone into hiding... Even though he's a giant freak... The Prof. tells Robin where his secret lab full of Separated Man serum is, but as luck(or unluck) would have it, the Separated Man's ear has overheard this and races off to get to the lab.

"Holy earwax, Batman!  How'd I miss that gigantic ear over there!?"

That gives us our obligatory Aqualad moment, as he helps the teens of Midville attack the now Un-Separated Man as he races to the lab's location. The teens attack via surfboard, because, as I said, we need Aqualad to do something! The Prof. reveals to Robin that he lied about where his lab was, since he was hoping to draw the Separated Man out of hiding...  Wait, the Prof., a man who has destroyed a town, as well as committed several crimes while in prison lied?!?! I can't believe it! Wonder Girl holds the Separated Man steady with her lasso, which gives Robin the opportunity to stab the Separated Man with the anti-serum needle, turning him back to normal and ending the threat.

So wait, we actually have a water rescue scene and Aqualad doesn't even get a part of it???

With that, the Prof. turns himself back over to the authorities, with Robin assuring him that he wouldn't get any additional jail time for breaking out, since he was only trying to help stop the Separated Man... I don't think that's how this works, Dick... With the job done, the Titans head back to their various cities, and this comic heads away from me.

Thoughts: Ah wacky Teen Titans comics from the 1960's... What would I poke fun at without you? This comic was everything I had hoped it would be and more! I will say that I am a bit annoyed that the Separated Man didn't use his giant genitalia at all in this adventure, but I guess there's always next time. It was also kind of weird that the Separated Man never uttered a word, when he was a giant, nor when he was just the ex-cellmate. It's not often you see a villain who can talk, not saying a word. Hmm, what else can I add to this one that I haven't already said... Oh, I know! How the hell does Kid Flash lose a giant pair of feet in a large, wide-open field?? I mean, sure, he fell in a mud bog, but still... That was just sad... Hey, much like this comic!

I guess it's always been tough to be a fan of poor Wally West...

JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (Part One)

Hey blogosphere, JT here with another retro review starring another one of the people that would literally have died a thousand times without Superman around, Lois Lane! After last week's review with Jimmy Olsen's general stupidity, I figured why not look at the other woman in Superman's life, so here we are.

Now you MAY be wondering why this review is a Part One... well originally I just planned on reviewing "The Fattest Girl in Metropolis"... because how could I not? But while looking through this issue I discovered another story called "The Girl of 100 Costumes". Now after Jimmy's 100 disguises a.k.a. TWO disguises, I gotta see if Lois can outdo him, right? So that'll be part dos. Anyway, let's get this review started?

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (1958)

Superman doesn't NEED to peek around the corner, he has X-Ray vision. Also, insert fat joke here?

Summary: So things start off with Lois witnessing a murder... yep. She's driving back and sees a gangster make an unconscious gangster drive off a cliff, so he doesn't have to split the take with him. That's not how I saw this story starting. Lois reports the crime but says the criminal is so average looking, she has no description to go on. Lois reports the guy but says she'd only recognize him in person. What? I... okay. For some reason, the Daily Planet runs an article on Lois titled "Girl reporter witnesses murder" with a PICTURE OF LOIS in the article. That can't be good.

I can't be the only one that sees the problem with this, right?

From there, Lois goes to interview a scientist for an article. It turns out Bill Nye over here created a growth ray and uses it to make some berries plumper. He then somehow wildly wields his compensating machine and sprays Lois with growth rays. He assures Lois that the rays only work on plant life, not humans and she believes it because she's an idiot. I'd sue for millions! Anyway, she wakes up the next day and is, in her own words, "a two-ton girl". Lois calls Bill Nye and he tells her that he doesn't have an antidote to his fat machine but he can make her one and it should only take a month! Lois tries to get ready for work but all of her clothes are too small... luckily Lois has a fat neighbor! Lois' portly pal loans her some clothes, but not before letting Lois and us know that she buys her clothes at the "Fat Girls Shoppe". Yep, cause that's a place people would support monetarily.

Lois Lane buying clothes at the Fat Shoppe. I didn't expect to type that sentence when I woke up.

Lois IMMEDIATELY goes to the Fat Girl Shoppe and picks up some extra large duds. She also realizes she needs to stay away from Superficial-man because he'd want no part of her large parts. Lois steps outside and Superman happens to be flying by, so she asks two overweight strangers if she can ride with them, and because fat people are notoriously jolly, they say sure. Lois climbs in the car and the combined weight of three fat women causes, I shit you not, the tire axles to break and all four wheels fall in. Superman swings by and picks them up, but he doesn't recognize Lois due to her... ailment. So he of course wastes no time in insulting her. He basically says, "You're so fat... man, you're heavy as hell and I'm Superman. Normally I carry around a hot little thing named Lois, but you're like two Lois'... geez fatty, you are fat!" I'm exaggerating, but not by much...

Superman: Just so you know, you're much fatter than my girlfriend.

At work, Jimmy Olsen gives Lois the EXTRA-STRONG chair because she's SO fat... like... she's so fat, she uses hula-hoops as earrings! Lois explains what happened, then asks Jimmy, Perry and Clark to give her a heads up if Superman is in the area so he doesn't see how big she's gotten. Clark says he'll keep Supes in the dark. Moving on, Lois decides to diet, exercise and try to burn the fat away via a hot box. She manages to lose a whole one and a half pound but relapses when she remembers it's her birthday (How... how you forget that?) and discovers Superman has sent her a GIANT box of chocolates. HA! Superman is SUCH an asshole. Lois eats all the chocolate and gains two and a half pounds... haha. Lois is also too big to wear the bracelet Superman gave her last year that detects when Kryptonite is nearby. That seems like a thing HE would need more than her. The next day, Lois attends a wedding as a bridesmaid, and Superman is there too because sure. When the Groom reveals the ring, Lois' bracelet alerts her it's Kryptonite, so she throws the ring?! Her secret revealed, she announces... in the middle of these people's wedding... that she's caught THE fat. Lois runs off, but stays to catch the bouquet.. okay.

She turned fat! Oh, the humanity!!!

Lois' next mission is reporting on an Amusement park. She's offered the job as the Fat Lady if she can gain a few pounds but she graciously denies it instead of kicking that guy's ass. Lois happens to be walking by fun house mirrors and looks like her skinny self. Coincidentally, the guy from the beginning of this review that murdered that other guy sees the skinny Lois! He realizes he couldn't find her because she "turned" fat.

He's trying to KILL her and he's still making fat jokes.

The killer tries to... er... uh... kill Lois, but Superman melts his bullets and saves Lois. Superman then reveals he'd been following Lois and HE had Bill Nye make her fat so the criminal couldn't track her! Holy shit, I didn't see that coming! Superman takes the killer to jail, then takes Lois to the science guy and de-fattens her. He tells Lois she'll be slim by morning, so Lois takes advantage of her hefty frame and makes Superman take her out to dinner. Lois eats herself silly as Superman laments his "big" ideas since he's paying for dinner.

Thoughts: This review is so long! Sorry guys, I wanted you to get all the info about Fat Lois. Okay, few things we need to discuss. You PROBABLY shouldn't put a picture of someone on the front page of a newspaper after they rat out a murderer that hasn't been caught yet. And I know Superman told the Scientist to shoot Lois with the fat ray, but what the fuck dude? You're a scientist and you're just zapping people willy nilly with experimental rays?!

Next, let's talk about the wedding. Lois RUINED these people's wedding, threw their ring away, and it didn't even LEAD to anything! Like, it just happened solely for that to be a thing where Lois could be fat. If you cut that section out of the comic literally nothing would change. Then she caught the bouquet solely so she could say "Fat chance!" when someone said she'd get married next. Yep.

Then there's the fat jokes. Oh fat people, breaking cars and being insulted by everyone from Jimmy Olsen to Superman. Superman was a GIANT dick here. He made Lois fat, he insulted her on purpose while KNOWING SHE WAS LOIS, and he sent her a big ass box of candy for her birthday, yet never told her Happy Birthday. He even complained about her being heavy when he picked her up... I've seen him MOVE PLANETS. All that aside... that was a hell of a twist so I can't even be mad.


# of pages: 8 (I know... all that review for 8 pages?!)
# of times Lois stood on a scale: 3
# of Fat Jokes: 15

Brave and the Bold #60(part 2)

And now, for the blog post you have all been waiting for, the second part of the Separated Man caper! I'm still a bit stunned about that first part... It's easily one of the weirdest things I've ever read... I mean, it's just random, giant body parts attacking a town! Like, who comes up with something like that!? What sort of drugs would you need in order to dream something like that up?! So yeah, the Teen Titans were about to get crushed by a pair of giant feet. Let's find out what happens next!

Brave and the Bold #60(July 1965):

Summary: Wonder Girl springs into action and lassos the giant feet and tosses them away. However, teen mayor for the day, Tommy Holmes, notices his father, Prof. Holmes, hanging off of one of the giant feet holding, yep, you guessed it, a giant needle. Wait a minute, I doubt anybody would have guessed he was holding a giant needle...

What am I even reading?!?

Anyway, Robin takes a bunch of the town's teens, on scooters, to lasso a giant hand that was menacing the town's adults. The kids tie the giant hand to a rock, which is definitely one of the weirdest lines I've written since... Um, what day did I do that last post? From there, a giant eye flies over to the townspeople and starts to cry flaming tears! And Prof. Holmes thought this could somehow benefit society?!?!?!? Kid Flash dashes on the scene and starts to run a massive circle around the flaming tears, cooling them and turning them to stone... Why didn't they just blow out like you'd expect fire to do...

.........

Kid Flash then sees Prof. Holmes watching the scene play out with his giant needle, darts over, picks up the Prof. and rushes him to young Tommy. Prof. Holmes tells Tommy that it was his former cellmate who was now the Separated Man, and that his cellmate had stolen the small vial of Separated Man serum(CONTRABAND!!!) that the Prof. had smuggled into prison. His former cellmate was now tearing the town apart in an attempt to locate the Prof's lab in order to get more serum. Oh, and the giant needle contains anti-serum, in case that wasn't clear. A giant ear eavesdrops on that conversation... Yes, a giant ear, is literally hiding behind a mountain eavesdropping, and is forced to fly away when all of the town's teens begin to blare rock music at it from transistor radios... This is something that actually happened!!

Turn that racket down!!

Wonder Girl decides to chase after the giant ear to... I'm not even sure at this point... But she chases after it and is spied by a giant eye, which sends a giant mouth after her. The giant mouth tries to blow her out of the air, which ends the second part of this story...

Thoughts: Well. That happened. To be honest, I kind of just want to leave it at that. First off, can we discuss how exactly the Prof. figured this complete and utter monstrosity would ever benefit society!? I mean, it cries flaming tears! I will dare say that nothing that cries flaming tears will EVER benefit society in ANY way! Like ever! Looking past that though, the Prof. actions in prison... So he gets locked up for turning himself into a giant, separable freak, wrecks the town, and then manages to smuggle the very serum that got him locked up in the first place into the clink with him?! And then, his cellmate steals the serum(because of course he does) and is released from prison, which leads to the Prof. breaking out immediately in order to stop his ex-cellmate's path of destruction? Worst. Prison. Ever! And of course, the cliffhanger has Wonder Girl, the most powerful of the Teen Titans, being blown out of the air by a giant mouth... If she can't save herself from that, she deserves to be killed! By a giant mouth...

Brave and the Bold #60

So, I have to say, getting back into reviewing mode has been pretty easy. I had some trepidation at first, hell, I wasn't even sure I even wanted to review after being out of the game(so to speak) for so long. But I guess it's like riding a bike. Or, in my case, a really sucky bike with square wheels that fall off all the time. Anyway, next up is the second adventure of the Teen Titans. And from the looks of the cover, it seems out favorite trio of sidekicks are going to add a forth member! Which is probably for the best, because really, what kind of a team has THREE members!? Onward!

Brave and the Bold #60(July 1965):

Summary: So wait, DC didn't do anything with the Titans for an entire year after they first got together?! Huh... In the town of Midville, the adults have given their teenagers control of the government for a day... Why, I have no clue, but it's what happened. A kid named Tommy Holmes takes over as acting mayor, with the teens doing everything in town more professionally than the adults. At least until the menace of the Separated Man strikes!!! Yes, the Separated Man... It seems Tommy's father was a brilliant scientist who managed to, I shit you not, turn his body gigantic and cause his body parts to separate from one another... Yep. As fate would have it, Prof. Holmes couldn't control his giant parts(which I often use as an excuse!!!), and they rampaged around town. When the Prof. returned to normal, he was locked in prison for the crimes his gigantic body parts committed. This is the trippiest story I've read in some time! And now, during his son's finest hour(as a one day teen mayor), the Separated Man has returned.

That's kinda like one of those damn hands in Zelda that takes you back to the beginning of the dungeon!  I hate those hands...

The town's adults naturally blame Tommy for the rampage, but he escapes from them and contacts the Teen Titans via ham radio, which I guess was like the Internet of the 60's? Probably? The Titans arrive on the scene(arm in arm for some reason) and are filled in with regards to the Separated Man.

Who the hell enters a room like that??

Tommy swears to the Titans that his dad is innocent(even though he escaped from prison earlier in the day...), but before they can decide what to do, two giant feet begin to march towards Tommy and the Titans! And that ends the first part of this modern day classic.

Thoughts: So it's wrong that I was wondering what the Professor's gigantic penis was up to, right? I mean, I feel it's wrong, but I don't know how somebody can read this story and NOT wonder the same... Ah well, maybe we'll find out in the second part. Let's see, where the hell do I even begin... We have a scientist who, to benefit mankind in SOME way, I have no idea what way, but in some way, makes himself grow to giant stature and split apart?!? Like, this dude was sitting at his desk and was like, “You know what humanity at large needs? My giant gonads running around town helping old women cross the street and cleaning the gutters...” And then he went ahead and tried to make that a reality!!! Egads... It's also kind of weird that the adults, many of whom were openly mistrustful of Tommy from the onset of this comic, allowed him to become the teen mayor. It's also going to be funny when we inevitably discover that some no good adult broke the Prof. out of prison and went on a rampage specifically to discredit Tommy... I mean we all know that's how this one turns out, right? It just seems like a lot of trouble to go through to discredit a kid, who is only mayor for a single day, but what can ya do? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm eagerly awaiting what giant body part attacks the Titans next!

Ugh, go back to hell, Barry...

Batman vs Spidey?

Shots fired, yo!

Strange Tales #101(Final part)

Some more Human Torch sound like a good idea? Yes? No? Anything? Sigh... Thanks for nothing, you were no help at all... Since I'm not getting any direction here, I guess I'll just go ahead and review the next part of the Human Torch's first solo adventure. And what an adventure, Johnny versus some random dude with no powers. Onward!

Strange Tales #101(Oct. 1962)

Thoughts: Having been foiled twice by the Human Torch, the Destroyer sends the newspaper another note, this time challenging the Torch to meet him near a small cabin at the edge of the woods... Well, it's a good thing nobody except for Johnny reads this paper, otherwise everybody in town would know where to find the Destroyer! Johnny prepares to head to the cabin, but is stopped by the Thing, who offers to take Johnny's place against the Destroyer. What the hell is Ben so worried about? The Destroyer has only (attempted to) sabotaged two amusement park rides... Ben is all, “If you go, Johnny, the Destroyer will surely kill you!!!” Chillax, Ben!

It's either Ben Grimm, or the neighborhood pervert...

Johnny sends Ben away, since the Destroyer challenged him, and as such, honor, or Johnny's manhood, or something along those lines, means Johnny has to face the Destroyer... Alone. And so, Johnny heads to the woods where he charges into the cabin, sets off a motion detector, and gets doused with water.

♫Wah-wah♫

Where a metric shit-ton of water came from, I'll never know, but that's what happened. Before the Destroyer can head inside to kill Johnny, he hears some teenagers and bails. Next, Johnny decides to figure out what the Destroyer has against the amusement park. He deduces that the Destroyer only tried to sabotage the tall rides(um, he only struck twice... I don't think two attacks is enough to make a detailed case file of the guy...), and heads to the top of the amusement park to look around. Sure enough, Johnny spots A COMMIE SUBMARINE(HA!!!) surfacing, and rushes to attack it immediately... USA! USA! USA! The Navy, or Coast Guard, or somebody, head to the scene to assist the Torch, and the group take the sub with ease. Suck it, Mother Russia! The Destroyer ends up being unmasked and is revealed to be the newspaper editor...? Wha?!

But...  Why would anybody suspect him in the first place?

Oh, and the commie bastards wanted the amusement park gone because they could be seen surfacing from the highest rides. And that's a wrap.

Thoughts: I frigging love that the big bad of this comic was, to quote Johnny, “A Commie Sub!!”.

You don't get much more 60's then this!

Phenomenal... Also, I'm shocked, and a bit impressed that this part of the comic paid off all of the page time the newspaper editor was getting in the last part. We never find out what the newspaper editor was selling out his country for, but I don't even care, mainly due to the fact that there was “A Commie Sub!!” in this issue. God, that is the most 60's line ever... Let's see, what else... Oh, how about Thing? He heads all the way out to Long Island, offers to take Johnny's place, is turned down and leaves. And that's that? I was expecting him to pop up to help Johnny at the cabin, but nope, he gets turned down and is all, “I hope the Destroyer kills you, lolz!” and isn't seen again. Um, I think that all I have left to say about this one, until next time!

JT Review: Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #1

Hey everyone, X here... wait... this isn't X. This is his handsome, multi-talented, best friend, JT! That's right, I'm also returning to the blog game...  part-time anyway. When my amigo X asked me if I'd like to contribute to the blog even though a LOT has changed in my life since I last posted, I jumped at the chance. So, enough about me and my vast greatness, let's get to the comic! After searching far and wide for a retro comic to review, I came across this cover and I just couldn't pass it up. So without further adieu, I present to you....

Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #1 (1954)

Look at this! Jimmy's stupid face and the way Supes is like "This fucking guy..." This is basically me and X. (I'm Supes.)

Summary: We start things off with our intrepid hero, Jimmy Olsen, posing as an ice cream man to follow after Marty Watson and Bozo Bane (terrible name), two thugs that work for "Deuce" Dorgan. They notice Jimmy following so they pie face him a la mode, that's when you push ice cream into someone's face... I just came up with the term, and push him into oncoming traffic. Luckily, Superman saves Jimmy. Superman asks Jimmy if he's still working on that robbery case in his spare time... what? He's... one... he's a photographer. He's not a reporter or a detective, so why the hell is he doing this and doing it for FREE at that in his free time?! Anyway, Jimmy finds a clue the thugs dropped so he asks Perry White if he can use the "Flying News Room", whatever the hell THAT is to look into it. Perry says no, then he says yes, because why not? Lois and Clark warn Jimmy that the dangerous criminals are... y'know, dangerous. But HE'S Jimmy Olsen, so stuff that noise.

Sure Jimmy, You can use our helicopter on this jewelry heist you're working on in your free time!

Jimmy heads out on the flying newsroom... which is a helicopter apparently piloted by a Ralph Kramden look-a-like named Jumbo Jones. Jumbo gives Jimbo a ride to the criminal's hangout then Jimmy uses one of his disguises (Move over, Matches Malone!) to infiltrate the criminals by pretending to be a wash brush salesman. This leads to them making Jimmy wash their dishes... yeah, people paid to read this in the 50's. While washing dishes, Jimmy watches the criminals from a nearby window, but another criminal catches Jimmy like the teenage peeping tom he is.

He hit him hard enough to stun him, but not so hard that he couldn't comment on being hit?

Before the criminal can take Jimmy to Da Boss, Jimmy uses his pen gun that shoots out pressurized air with the intensity of a heavyweight boxer's punch. I... how.. okay. Jimmy decides to high-tail it outta there but the thugs follow him. Luckily, Jumbo is ready and tackles three thugs at once. FUCK YEAH JUMBO! Eventually, the thugs remember they're thugs and pull out guns. They march Jim and Jum back to the secret hideout and tie them up on a dock before leaving like every stupid criminal ever. While tied up, Batman... I mean Jimmy Olsen, manages to cut his binding free with a clam shell... and calls Superman on his communicator watch. Superman gets the signal and says... and I quote "My boy pal in trouble!" Who talks like that?! Anyway, Superman frees Jimmy and Jumby then catches the crooks.

While Superman grabs the thugs he notices Jimmy is fishing for some reason. Supes uses his X-Ray vision and sees the stolen jewels underwater. He swims down and attaches them to Jimmy's hook. Jimmy reels in the jewels while Superman acts surprised. Jimmy explains that the clue he found earlier was a small hook (why would you think THAT'S a clue?!) and surmised they must have buried the jewels underwater then planned to reel them in a few months later when the heat was off. Okay... sure. Superman takes the crooks to jail and Jimmy writes up an article on finding the jewels. The End.

Thoughts: Okay, I have a few issues with this story. First things first, the cover says "The Boy of 100 faces." In this story Jimmy literally used TWO disguises. There's three stories in this comic, I checked the other two... he used ONE more disguise. By my count, that's ninety-seven disguises this bastard screwed me out of. Also, Why in the bluest of all hells, would Perry White allow a "junior reporter" to use a HELICOPTER to work on a case that he literally says Jimmy can't solve?! I have to imagine that even in the fifties, helicopter fuel ain't cheap! THEN... Jumbo just flies Jimmy to the hideout of the criminals?! If they know who the criminals are and where the hideout is, how is this case unsolved?!

Oh, and who the hell made Jimmy a pen-gun that can shoot pressurized air?! Like... Superman would have no need for it and I know damn well Jimmy didn't make it! And I'm not even gonna get started on Jimmy cutting his rope bindings with a clam shell he somehow caught floating by him. But the biggest WTF of this is Jimmy just deciding he's going to FISH FOR THE JEWELRY. Dude, tell Superman it's down there, he'll get it and you'll still get credit. Hell, just SWIM down there. You're going to fish jewelry out? Who are you, Steve Austin?

# of pages: 8
# of disguises: 2
# of times Jimmy says his apparent catchphrase "Super Duper!": 3