JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #8

Hey Todd Squad, It's that time once again for another JT Review! (A JT review with an added bonus, a side helping of X!  That's right, I'm crashing this party, and making this review palatable for you poor, poor readers!  Suck it, JT!!  Also, stop saying "Todd Squad"!!!)This time we're checking in with Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane. After my last review featured Jimmy Olsen in the wrestling ring, I thought, what could possibly follow that?(More wrestling?) Well more wrestling of course!(Yep) So let's checkout a story from issue 8, entitled "The Ugly Superman".(This series went more than 6 issues?!?!?  How?????)

 Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #8

Plug-ugly. Well damn, what happened to those Smallville manners?

Summary:  This issue starts with.... just straight up racism!(Huzzah!!!) Okay, so Lois gets assigned to cover the wrestling show because women are becoming interested in the sport, according to Perry White.(Who'd know about the composition of a wrestling crowd better then Perry White?) Lois goes to the show and watches a match between Hairy Sam and... Injun Ike.(Ah the 50's/60's and it's casual racism...  Where would we be without you?) Yep... it's gonna be one of those, ladies and gents!

I'm just glad there's no one with an "N" name...(Jesus is that dude hairy!  He's more ape than man!!)

Lois watches the show and dissects it all like your typical Smark (smart mark wrestling fan), she quickly deduces that it's entertainment where people want to see the hero win and the villain lose.(Lois seems like the kind of person who'd also tell kids the Tooth Fairy is fake and that there is no Santa Claus) She states that wrestling, unlike boxing, has become a colorful comedy designed strictly for laughs. Well fuck you too, Lois. The main event features The Dutch Devil (sigh.) vs. the undefeated Ugly Superman. Ugly Superman seems to actually have super strength as he destroys the dastardly Dutch Devil and puts him through the ring! Lois is shocked to see the crowd is booing Ugly Superman because he's SO DAMN UGLY!(You've never jeered an uggo on the street, JT?  How are we even friends?)

He tried to enter an Ugly contest and the judge said "Sorry, no professionals!"(Oh TAG!)

Lois goes backstage and interviews Ugly (I'm calling him that to save time and also because it's funnier.) in hopes she can make the crowd like him with a nice write up. Lois literally pats this poor bastard on the head and compares giving him praise to being like kindness for dumb animals. Man, Lois really comes off unlikable in this story, even when she's trying to be nice. She even calls "restoring this poor creature's confidence" her deed of the day.(He's ugly and therefore sub-human, and as such is worthy of disdain.  What's so hard to understand?)

There, there, ugly.

Lois' plan backfires the next morning when Ugly becomes her newest admirer. He brings her chocolate and flowers, and has even gotten a tattoo of a heart that says "Lois Lane loves The Ugly Superman" on his arm! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He even calls HIMSELF the Ugly Superman!(HA!!!  That legit made me laugh...)  Lois tries to straighten this out by explaining to Ugly that she's not interested, but Ugly isn't hearing it.  Lois ropes Clark into this and says they have plans, but Ugly pushes Clark down like a bitch.

That's how I push X around, Top hat and all.(He's an asshole...  It's true...)

Clark pretends to let Ugly beat him up so his cover isn't blown. Lois agrees to go out with Ugly if he'll stop beating the shit out of Clark, so they head out for a night on the town! Clark follows from a distance to keep an eye on Lois. Ugly takes Lois out to dinner and he says how excited he is to show Lois off to his friends at the wrestling show. Ugly then takes Lois to the theater to see an Opera... damn Ugly, you know how to treat a lady!

He's eating Rice Crispies before they added that Pop character.(HA!!  Superman's an ass here!  She only went out with him so he'd stop beating Supes up!)

Clark decides to dress up like an old man named Methuselah... HA! He heads down to the gym to embarrass Ugly in a test of strength. Ugly is at the gym bending horse shoes with his teeth, lifting two ton weighs and snapping chains with his chest when Superman arrives in disguise. "Methuselah" eats the horse shoe and says it's actually licorice, the two ton weight is papier-mache and has Lois break the chains while he actually melts them with his X-Ray vision. Ugly may be ugly, but he ain't stupid.(He tattooed "Ugly Superman" on himself...  I'd say he's both ugly AND stupid) Obviously this old man is a magician, so Ugly charges at him and reveals it's actually Superman. Ugly tries to attack Superman but Supes throws embarrasses him even further.

THAT'S what they mean when people say "That shot was ugly!"(HA!!  Goddamnit, I laughed at that line...)

Ugly tries some more but he's outclassed and outmatched by big blue. Ugly realizes if he's not the strongest than he doesn't deserve Lois Lane. Two months later, Clark takes Lois to a wrestling show and they discover that The Ugly Superman is now working as The Gorgeous Superman(As opposed to the... Regular Superman, I guess?), because he's gotten plastic surgery. Sure, why the fuck not. Gorgeous asks Lois out on a date now that he doesn't look like he was beaten to death with an ugly tree, but Lois turns him down. She's saving her heart for the true Superman, while Clark whistles nonchalantly because he's secretly dating Lana Lang... probably.

Clark: Keep waiting, toots!

Thoughts: So... I enjoyed this as crazy as it sounds. Sure, it was weird, we got a sweet ugly idiot becoming a crazed, possessive, monster and then he was humiliated in front of all of his peers by the literal strongest man on the planet... so he got plastic surgery and now he's hot.(That sounds oddly like my bio...) Why he didn't do that from the very beginning, I have no idea. That said, this was a goofy, fun read. It was nice seeing that Lois wasn't superficial in the sense that she'd just happily be with Ugly once he was no longer Ugly.(Condescending?  Yes.  Superficial?  No.) It was also nice watching Superman destroy a man's livelihood by using his powers instead of just talking some sense into a crazy guy who just wanted some attention. Well.. not so much fun as tragic, but whatever. Tomato, Tomasso Ciampa.

# of pages: 9
# of panels Ugly beat up Clark for: 8
# of times the word Ugly was said: 13(Huh, I'd have expected more...  JT used the word like 50 times!)

JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (Part Two)

Hey blogosphere, welcome to the return of JT! I'm sure you've all been wondering... Where's JT? Why has the quality of the blog dropped immensely? Did X kill him due to pure jealousy? Well, wonder no longer, I have returned!

Now you MAY recall that my last review was "The Fattest Girl in Metropolis", which was PHENOMENAL. I decided that I'd review another story in that comic, which was "The Girl of 100 Costumes" because in a Jimmy Olsen comic where they boasted he'd have a TON of disguises, he had three. So I owe it to you all to see if Lois Lane is a woman of her word. DOES she have 100 costumes?! I know you're curious, so enough of listening to this big joker, let's do this!

Summary: Okay, so this comic starts off in quite possibly the dumbest way I've seen a story begin. Superman arrives and Perry tells him that the fashion editor for the newspaper didn't show up and her column is locked in a cabinet. Okay, great, so you have Superman use his super strength to open the cabinet. Or his Ice breath to freeze the lock and break it. Or his heat vision to melt the lock. Nope, Superman uses his X-ray vision to read it, then types up the story verbatim... sure, GREAT use of your time, Big Blue. Lois sees Supes copying off someone else's homework and believes that this is how he feels about fashion, so she decides to follow his advice.

I feel like Superman should be doing more important things and Clark Kent should be here...

Superman sees Lois and congratulates her for "winning a contest and giving away the prize to charity" What a philanthropist that Lois Lane is! Superman wants to do something for Lois and she plans to ask him to the newspaper ball... terrible name, but first, she needs to follow his fashion tips!
Lois calls in a favor from some actress she knows and gets a bunch of costumes so she can impress Superman. She wants to wear a hula outfit but she thinks she'll look silly, but lucky for Lois, Superman just HAPPENS to be doing a movie called "Idol of The Volcano" and that has a Hawaiian background. Now, dear reader, you may think to yourself, isn't sneaking onto a movie set just to wear a hula outfit a little much? Well, Lois Lane says, fuck that noise! Lois crashes the set and luckily she happens to be dressed EXACTLY LIKE the extras in the movie. How convenient! Sadly, Lois misses out on having Superman see her in her dumbass costume, so she decides to try again.

I love that Superman is like "Watch me WHIRL AROUND!"

Lois' next costume, a Mandarin gown and crown, are perfect for Superman's upcoming appearance at a Chinese New Year event, because what's more Chinese New Year than a big white alien man? Anyway, Superman is so busy "whirling around" that he misses Lois, and because she's wearing her traditional Mandarin garments, some guys put a Dragon's head on her because it's tradition... or at least it is when an old white guy from the 60's writes about Chinese New Year. Down but not out, Lois decides to try another costume, this time she dons the costume of a Spanish Senorita with gay eyes... yep. Check the picture below.

That's one gay-eyed Senorita!

Lois wears this costume to a Bull Fight where she's supposed to meet Superman. Lois, of course, enters the arena via the wrong entrance and gets chased by the bull. Superman sees this from SO far away and throws a telephone pole that hits the ground and restrains the bull with a noose made from the cord... Why do I even read this stuff?

This would take SO much pre-planning to actually work. Can't he just FLY there?

Lois cancels her date with Supes because her costume is all fudged up but she plans on wearing a Swiss costume to the United Nations parade the next day, after all, nothing is more impressive than the Swiss! (This sarcasm is not reflected by your reviewer, JT, who looooves the Swiss, but of that evil bastard and blog creator, X-Man, who HATES the Swiss... probably.) Anyway, Lois is brought on stage to yodel for some reason. Lucky for Lois, Superman finally sees her in her fancy costume! Superman is impressed and Lois is ready to pop the question and ask him to the "extremely prestigious" Newspaper ball. Right as she asks, Lois realizes she's lost her voice due to yodeling! Superman assumes Lois didn't need a reward for giving stuff to charity, so he just leaves.... and the comic... ends. Okay then.

Why didn't you just ask him at the beginning of the story?!

Thoughts:  I don't understand why this story just abruptly ended. I also don't understand why it ever started. The weird thing is, you'd think she'd just ASK Superman at the beginning then try to impress him with the dresses! Why we had her dressing up and going to events every day and never even REPORTING ON THEM was so weird! Also, there's a part where Lois tries to spy on two movie stars during a proposal so she can report on it... like that happened in here... for no reason! Then she got caught and they told her to buzz off and it never amounted to ANYTHING! What was the point of that?!

Also, who is this book for?! I can't imagine boys in the 60's wanted to read about Lois Lane and all of her fancy dresses. But if it's for young girls, why would they constantly want to see Lois, the "hero" fail time after time to get Superman to notice her! Not to mention all the "DONT BE FAT!" and "BETTER DRESS NICE!" messages in this issue alone.

And my biggest gripe... she only had 4 COSTUMES! Where the hell were the other 96 ?! Oh DC, you and your bait and switch story titles. And all this talk of the Newspaper Ball and we don't even get to see it?! Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.... yep, I gave you FIVE tsks! I came back for this?!


# of pages: 8
# of costumes Lois wore: 4....
# of costumes Lois had more of than disguises by Jimmy Olsen: 1

JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (Part One)

Hey blogosphere, JT here with another retro review starring another one of the people that would literally have died a thousand times without Superman around, Lois Lane! After last week's review with Jimmy Olsen's general stupidity, I figured why not look at the other woman in Superman's life, so here we are.

Now you MAY be wondering why this review is a Part One... well originally I just planned on reviewing "The Fattest Girl in Metropolis"... because how could I not? But while looking through this issue I discovered another story called "The Girl of 100 Costumes". Now after Jimmy's 100 disguises a.k.a. TWO disguises, I gotta see if Lois can outdo him, right? So that'll be part dos. Anyway, let's get this review started?

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (1958)

Superman doesn't NEED to peek around the corner, he has X-Ray vision. Also, insert fat joke here?

Summary: So things start off with Lois witnessing a murder... yep. She's driving back and sees a gangster make an unconscious gangster drive off a cliff, so he doesn't have to split the take with him. That's not how I saw this story starting. Lois reports the crime but says the criminal is so average looking, she has no description to go on. Lois reports the guy but says she'd only recognize him in person. What? I... okay. For some reason, the Daily Planet runs an article on Lois titled "Girl reporter witnesses murder" with a PICTURE OF LOIS in the article. That can't be good.

I can't be the only one that sees the problem with this, right?

From there, Lois goes to interview a scientist for an article. It turns out Bill Nye over here created a growth ray and uses it to make some berries plumper. He then somehow wildly wields his compensating machine and sprays Lois with growth rays. He assures Lois that the rays only work on plant life, not humans and she believes it because she's an idiot. I'd sue for millions! Anyway, she wakes up the next day and is, in her own words, "a two-ton girl". Lois calls Bill Nye and he tells her that he doesn't have an antidote to his fat machine but he can make her one and it should only take a month! Lois tries to get ready for work but all of her clothes are too small... luckily Lois has a fat neighbor! Lois' portly pal loans her some clothes, but not before letting Lois and us know that she buys her clothes at the "Fat Girls Shoppe". Yep, cause that's a place people would support monetarily.

Lois Lane buying clothes at the Fat Shoppe. I didn't expect to type that sentence when I woke up.

Lois IMMEDIATELY goes to the Fat Girl Shoppe and picks up some extra large duds. She also realizes she needs to stay away from Superficial-man because he'd want no part of her large parts. Lois steps outside and Superman happens to be flying by, so she asks two overweight strangers if she can ride with them, and because fat people are notoriously jolly, they say sure. Lois climbs in the car and the combined weight of three fat women causes, I shit you not, the tire axles to break and all four wheels fall in. Superman swings by and picks them up, but he doesn't recognize Lois due to her... ailment. So he of course wastes no time in insulting her. He basically says, "You're so fat... man, you're heavy as hell and I'm Superman. Normally I carry around a hot little thing named Lois, but you're like two Lois'... geez fatty, you are fat!" I'm exaggerating, but not by much...

Superman: Just so you know, you're much fatter than my girlfriend.

At work, Jimmy Olsen gives Lois the EXTRA-STRONG chair because she's SO fat... like... she's so fat, she uses hula-hoops as earrings! Lois explains what happened, then asks Jimmy, Perry and Clark to give her a heads up if Superman is in the area so he doesn't see how big she's gotten. Clark says he'll keep Supes in the dark. Moving on, Lois decides to diet, exercise and try to burn the fat away via a hot box. She manages to lose a whole one and a half pound but relapses when she remembers it's her birthday (How... how you forget that?) and discovers Superman has sent her a GIANT box of chocolates. HA! Superman is SUCH an asshole. Lois eats all the chocolate and gains two and a half pounds... haha. Lois is also too big to wear the bracelet Superman gave her last year that detects when Kryptonite is nearby. That seems like a thing HE would need more than her. The next day, Lois attends a wedding as a bridesmaid, and Superman is there too because sure. When the Groom reveals the ring, Lois' bracelet alerts her it's Kryptonite, so she throws the ring?! Her secret revealed, she announces... in the middle of these people's wedding... that she's caught THE fat. Lois runs off, but stays to catch the bouquet.. okay.

She turned fat! Oh, the humanity!!!

Lois' next mission is reporting on an Amusement park. She's offered the job as the Fat Lady if she can gain a few pounds but she graciously denies it instead of kicking that guy's ass. Lois happens to be walking by fun house mirrors and looks like her skinny self. Coincidentally, the guy from the beginning of this review that murdered that other guy sees the skinny Lois! He realizes he couldn't find her because she "turned" fat.

He's trying to KILL her and he's still making fat jokes.

The killer tries to... er... uh... kill Lois, but Superman melts his bullets and saves Lois. Superman then reveals he'd been following Lois and HE had Bill Nye make her fat so the criminal couldn't track her! Holy shit, I didn't see that coming! Superman takes the killer to jail, then takes Lois to the science guy and de-fattens her. He tells Lois she'll be slim by morning, so Lois takes advantage of her hefty frame and makes Superman take her out to dinner. Lois eats herself silly as Superman laments his "big" ideas since he's paying for dinner.

Thoughts: This review is so long! Sorry guys, I wanted you to get all the info about Fat Lois. Okay, few things we need to discuss. You PROBABLY shouldn't put a picture of someone on the front page of a newspaper after they rat out a murderer that hasn't been caught yet. And I know Superman told the Scientist to shoot Lois with the fat ray, but what the fuck dude? You're a scientist and you're just zapping people willy nilly with experimental rays?!

Next, let's talk about the wedding. Lois RUINED these people's wedding, threw their ring away, and it didn't even LEAD to anything! Like, it just happened solely for that to be a thing where Lois could be fat. If you cut that section out of the comic literally nothing would change. Then she caught the bouquet solely so she could say "Fat chance!" when someone said she'd get married next. Yep.

Then there's the fat jokes. Oh fat people, breaking cars and being insulted by everyone from Jimmy Olsen to Superman. Superman was a GIANT dick here. He made Lois fat, he insulted her on purpose while KNOWING SHE WAS LOIS, and he sent her a big ass box of candy for her birthday, yet never told her Happy Birthday. He even complained about her being heavy when he picked her up... I've seen him MOVE PLANETS. All that aside... that was a hell of a twist so I can't even be mad.


# of pages: 8 (I know... all that review for 8 pages?!)
# of times Lois stood on a scale: 3
# of Fat Jokes: 15