JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (Part One)

Hey blogosphere, JT here with another retro review starring another one of the people that would literally have died a thousand times without Superman around, Lois Lane! After last week's review with Jimmy Olsen's general stupidity, I figured why not look at the other woman in Superman's life, so here we are.

Now you MAY be wondering why this review is a Part One... well originally I just planned on reviewing "The Fattest Girl in Metropolis"... because how could I not? But while looking through this issue I discovered another story called "The Girl of 100 Costumes". Now after Jimmy's 100 disguises a.k.a. TWO disguises, I gotta see if Lois can outdo him, right? So that'll be part dos. Anyway, let's get this review started?

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (1958)

Superman doesn't NEED to peek around the corner, he has X-Ray vision. Also, insert fat joke here?

Summary: So things start off with Lois witnessing a murder... yep. She's driving back and sees a gangster make an unconscious gangster drive off a cliff, so he doesn't have to split the take with him. That's not how I saw this story starting. Lois reports the crime but says the criminal is so average looking, she has no description to go on. Lois reports the guy but says she'd only recognize him in person. What? I... okay. For some reason, the Daily Planet runs an article on Lois titled "Girl reporter witnesses murder" with a PICTURE OF LOIS in the article. That can't be good.

I can't be the only one that sees the problem with this, right?

From there, Lois goes to interview a scientist for an article. It turns out Bill Nye over here created a growth ray and uses it to make some berries plumper. He then somehow wildly wields his compensating machine and sprays Lois with growth rays. He assures Lois that the rays only work on plant life, not humans and she believes it because she's an idiot. I'd sue for millions! Anyway, she wakes up the next day and is, in her own words, "a two-ton girl". Lois calls Bill Nye and he tells her that he doesn't have an antidote to his fat machine but he can make her one and it should only take a month! Lois tries to get ready for work but all of her clothes are too small... luckily Lois has a fat neighbor! Lois' portly pal loans her some clothes, but not before letting Lois and us know that she buys her clothes at the "Fat Girls Shoppe". Yep, cause that's a place people would support monetarily.

Lois Lane buying clothes at the Fat Shoppe. I didn't expect to type that sentence when I woke up.

Lois IMMEDIATELY goes to the Fat Girl Shoppe and picks up some extra large duds. She also realizes she needs to stay away from Superficial-man because he'd want no part of her large parts. Lois steps outside and Superman happens to be flying by, so she asks two overweight strangers if she can ride with them, and because fat people are notoriously jolly, they say sure. Lois climbs in the car and the combined weight of three fat women causes, I shit you not, the tire axles to break and all four wheels fall in. Superman swings by and picks them up, but he doesn't recognize Lois due to her... ailment. So he of course wastes no time in insulting her. He basically says, "You're so fat... man, you're heavy as hell and I'm Superman. Normally I carry around a hot little thing named Lois, but you're like two Lois'... geez fatty, you are fat!" I'm exaggerating, but not by much...

Superman: Just so you know, you're much fatter than my girlfriend.

At work, Jimmy Olsen gives Lois the EXTRA-STRONG chair because she's SO fat... like... she's so fat, she uses hula-hoops as earrings! Lois explains what happened, then asks Jimmy, Perry and Clark to give her a heads up if Superman is in the area so he doesn't see how big she's gotten. Clark says he'll keep Supes in the dark. Moving on, Lois decides to diet, exercise and try to burn the fat away via a hot box. She manages to lose a whole one and a half pound but relapses when she remembers it's her birthday (How... how you forget that?) and discovers Superman has sent her a GIANT box of chocolates. HA! Superman is SUCH an asshole. Lois eats all the chocolate and gains two and a half pounds... haha. Lois is also too big to wear the bracelet Superman gave her last year that detects when Kryptonite is nearby. That seems like a thing HE would need more than her. The next day, Lois attends a wedding as a bridesmaid, and Superman is there too because sure. When the Groom reveals the ring, Lois' bracelet alerts her it's Kryptonite, so she throws the ring?! Her secret revealed, she announces... in the middle of these people's wedding... that she's caught THE fat. Lois runs off, but stays to catch the bouquet.. okay.

She turned fat! Oh, the humanity!!!

Lois' next mission is reporting on an Amusement park. She's offered the job as the Fat Lady if she can gain a few pounds but she graciously denies it instead of kicking that guy's ass. Lois happens to be walking by fun house mirrors and looks like her skinny self. Coincidentally, the guy from the beginning of this review that murdered that other guy sees the skinny Lois! He realizes he couldn't find her because she "turned" fat.

He's trying to KILL her and he's still making fat jokes.

The killer tries to... er... uh... kill Lois, but Superman melts his bullets and saves Lois. Superman then reveals he'd been following Lois and HE had Bill Nye make her fat so the criminal couldn't track her! Holy shit, I didn't see that coming! Superman takes the killer to jail, then takes Lois to the science guy and de-fattens her. He tells Lois she'll be slim by morning, so Lois takes advantage of her hefty frame and makes Superman take her out to dinner. Lois eats herself silly as Superman laments his "big" ideas since he's paying for dinner.

Thoughts: This review is so long! Sorry guys, I wanted you to get all the info about Fat Lois. Okay, few things we need to discuss. You PROBABLY shouldn't put a picture of someone on the front page of a newspaper after they rat out a murderer that hasn't been caught yet. And I know Superman told the Scientist to shoot Lois with the fat ray, but what the fuck dude? You're a scientist and you're just zapping people willy nilly with experimental rays?!

Next, let's talk about the wedding. Lois RUINED these people's wedding, threw their ring away, and it didn't even LEAD to anything! Like, it just happened solely for that to be a thing where Lois could be fat. If you cut that section out of the comic literally nothing would change. Then she caught the bouquet solely so she could say "Fat chance!" when someone said she'd get married next. Yep.

Then there's the fat jokes. Oh fat people, breaking cars and being insulted by everyone from Jimmy Olsen to Superman. Superman was a GIANT dick here. He made Lois fat, he insulted her on purpose while KNOWING SHE WAS LOIS, and he sent her a big ass box of candy for her birthday, yet never told her Happy Birthday. He even complained about her being heavy when he picked her up... I've seen him MOVE PLANETS. All that aside... that was a hell of a twist so I can't even be mad.


# of pages: 8 (I know... all that review for 8 pages?!)
# of times Lois stood on a scale: 3
# of Fat Jokes: 15