Thursday, April 27, 2017

JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #8

Hey Todd Squad, It's that time once again for another JT Review! (A JT review with an added bonus, a side helping of X!  That's right, I'm crashing this party, and making this review palatable for you poor, poor readers!  Suck it, JT!!  Also, stop saying "Todd Squad"!!!)This time we're checking in with Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane. After my last review featured Jimmy Olsen in the wrestling ring, I thought, what could possibly follow that?(More wrestling?) Well more wrestling of course!(Yep) So let's checkout a story from issue 8, entitled "The Ugly Superman".(This series went more than 6 issues?!?!?  How?????)

 Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #8
Plug-ugly. Well damn, what happened to those Smallville manners?

Summary:  This issue starts with.... just straight up racism!(Huzzah!!!) Okay, so Lois gets assigned to cover the wrestling show because women are becoming interested in the sport, according to Perry White.(Who'd know about the composition of a wrestling crowd better then Perry White?) Lois goes to the show and watches a match between Hairy Sam and... Injun Ike.(Ah the 50's/60's and it's casual racism...  Where would we be without you?) Yep... it's gonna be one of those, ladies and gents!

I'm just glad there's no one with an "N" name...(Jesus is that dude hairy!  He's more ape than man!!)

Lois watches the show and dissects it all like your typical Smark (smart mark wrestling fan), she quickly deduces that it's entertainment where people want to see the hero win and the villain lose.(Lois seems like the kind of person who'd also tell kids the Tooth Fairy is fake and that there is no Santa Claus) She states that wrestling, unlike boxing, has become a colorful comedy designed strictly for laughs. Well fuck you too, Lois. The main event features The Dutch Devil (sigh.) vs. the undefeated Ugly Superman. Ugly Superman seems to actually have super strength as he destroys the dastardly Dutch Devil and puts him through the ring! Lois is shocked to see the crowd is booing Ugly Superman because he's SO DAMN UGLY!(You've never jeered an uggo on the street, JT?  How are we even friends?)

He tried to enter an Ugly contest and the judge said "Sorry, no professionals!"(Oh TAG!)

Lois goes backstage and interviews Ugly (I'm calling him that to save time and also because it's funnier.) in hopes she can make the crowd like him with a nice write up. Lois literally pats this poor bastard on the head and compares giving him praise to being like kindness for dumb animals. Man, Lois really comes off unlikable in this story, even when she's trying to be nice. She even calls "restoring this poor creature's confidence" her deed of the day.(He's ugly and therefore sub-human, and as such is worthy of disdain.  What's so hard to understand?)

There, there, ugly.

Lois' plan backfires the next morning when Ugly becomes her newest admirer. He brings her chocolate and flowers, and has even gotten a tattoo of a heart that says "Lois Lane loves The Ugly Superman" on his arm! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He even calls HIMSELF the Ugly Superman!(HA!!!  That legit made me laugh...)  Lois tries to straighten this out by explaining to Ugly that she's not interested, but Ugly isn't hearing it.  Lois ropes Clark into this and says they have plans, but Ugly pushes Clark down like a bitch.

That's how I push X around, Top hat and all.(He's an asshole...  It's true...)

Clark pretends to let Ugly beat him up so his cover isn't blown. Lois agrees to go out with Ugly if he'll stop beating the shit out of Clark, so they head out for a night on the town! Clark follows from a distance to keep an eye on Lois. Ugly takes Lois out to dinner and he says how excited he is to show Lois off to his friends at the wrestling show. Ugly then takes Lois to the theater to see an Opera... damn Ugly, you know how to treat a lady!

He's eating Rice Crispies before they added that Pop character.(HA!!  Superman's an ass here!  She only went out with him so he'd stop beating Supes up!)

Clark decides to dress up like an old man named Methuselah... HA! He heads down to the gym to embarrass Ugly in a test of strength. Ugly is at the gym bending horse shoes with his teeth, lifting two ton weighs and snapping chains with his chest when Superman arrives in disguise. "Methuselah" eats the horse shoe and says it's actually licorice, the two ton weight is papier-mache and has Lois break the chains while he actually melts them with his X-Ray vision. Ugly may be ugly, but he ain't stupid.(He tattooed "Ugly Superman" on himself...  I'd say he's both ugly AND stupid) Obviously this old man is a magician, so Ugly charges at him and reveals it's actually Superman. Ugly tries to attack Superman but Supes throws embarrasses him even further.

THAT'S what they mean when people say "That shot was ugly!"(HA!!  Goddamnit, I laughed at that line...)

Ugly tries some more but he's outclassed and outmatched by big blue. Ugly realizes if he's not the strongest than he doesn't deserve Lois Lane. Two months later, Clark takes Lois to a wrestling show and they discover that The Ugly Superman is now working as The Gorgeous Superman(As opposed to the... Regular Superman, I guess?), because he's gotten plastic surgery. Sure, why the fuck not. Gorgeous asks Lois out on a date now that he doesn't look like he was beaten to death with an ugly tree, but Lois turns him down. She's saving her heart for the true Superman, while Clark whistles nonchalantly because he's secretly dating Lana Lang... probably.

Clark: Keep waiting, toots!

Thoughts: So... I enjoyed this as crazy as it sounds. Sure, it was weird, we got a sweet ugly idiot becoming a crazed, possessive, monster and then he was humiliated in front of all of his peers by the literal strongest man on the planet... so he got plastic surgery and now he's hot.(That sounds oddly like my bio...) Why he didn't do that from the very beginning, I have no idea. That said, this was a goofy, fun read. It was nice seeing that Lois wasn't superficial in the sense that she'd just happily be with Ugly once he was no longer Ugly.(Condescending?  Yes.  Superficial?  No.) It was also nice watching Superman destroy a man's livelihood by using his powers instead of just talking some sense into a crazy guy who just wanted some attention. Well.. not so much fun as tragic, but whatever. Tomato, Tomasso Ciampa.

# of pages: 9
# of panels Ugly beat up Clark for: 8
# of times the word Ugly was said: 13(Huh, I'd have expected more...  JT used the word like 50 times!)

No comments:

Post a Comment