Teen Titans #8

Oh boy, it's a Raven specific issue... I make no bones about it, I can't stand Raven. She's as empty of a comic character as you'll find, and is solely around to fill the “Goth Girl” quota. Her back story has something to do with her being the daughter of Trigon, who isn't even the devil in DC! He's just some demon... I mean, at least let him be the BIG bad, like Satan and Satana in Marvel. Besides the fact that she's an empty shell of a character, she also serves as the Deus Ex Machina character in WAAAAAAY too many Titans books. That was her purpose in the New Teen Titans/New Titans/and I'm sure this series. Which brings us to this issue of Teen Titans, with the cover ominously stating, “Reintroducing Raven!” I fear this is going to be a retelling of Raven's origin, which I'd really dislike... Well, let's crack it open and see what's inside!

Teen Titans #8(April 2004)

Summary: We actually start off with some action! The Titans(in this case Kid Flash, Wonder Girl, Starfire, Cyborg and Beast Boy) are battling against Mammoth and Gizmo... Gizmo... HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Ugh. Anyway, Superboy is running late due to detention, while Robin is being flown over to San Fran by Batman. Robin is also complaining about lying to his father about being Robin, which is kind of dick-ish due to the whole, “Batman's father and mother were murdered in front of him” thing...

I feel like we need that meme with Batman screaming, "My parents are dead!!!" here.  Also, screw Geoff Johns for writing Tim so callously!

The Titans take down the not-so-Fearsome Two and meet up with Superboy and Robin at the Tower. From there, we get the Raven origin I was dreading... Let's see how quick I can do this... Her mother was a runaway who joined a cult and was boinked by Trigon. Her mom was then taken to another dimension(because reasons) where she had Raven. Raven wasn't allowed to show emotions because... Um, I guess reasons again... Trigon attacked earth, was met by the Titans, and Raven assisted. From there, Raven joined the Titans, turned heel(yes, because reasons again), ruined a wedding and was killed by Starfire. Now she's back, and NOT better than ever. Whatever, says I.

A-fricking-men...

This issue ends with Deathstroke and Ravager hunting for Raven on account of her killing/absorbing/??? Jericho a few issues back.

Thoughts: That dude's name was Gizmo... Like the little gremlin dude! Heh... *Ahem* Anyway, this issue was about what I expected, with a whole lotta Raven origin. I did like that we got a little action sequence with Mammoth and Gizmo(heh heh...), because we really did need something to break up the monotony of Starfire droning on and on about Raven's life story. I know that she was giving us readers the origin(even though I'm sure it could have been searched for online in 2004...), but her telling the younger Titans about Raven's mother seemed so needless... Like, how is that going to help them when they inevitably face Raven? Will they heckle her with shouts of, “Your momma was a runaway! HAHA!!” Did we really need to see them learn more than Raven was Trigon's daughter, joined the Titans and turned evil(because genetics!! Just like Superboy!!!) and was killed as a result? Eh, on the plus side, it seems that Deathstroke and Ravager are going to be reoccurring characters in this series, which I like a lot!

Maximum Carnage part 2: Web of Spider-Man #101

Hey look, I'm actually continuing the Maximum Carnage posts! Considering the huge amount of Teen Titans books on here, I'm almost obligated to continue posting these books, I mean hell, I grew up on Marvel comics, although you wouldn't know it by looking at this blog... We are still in the very early stages of this x-over, and we have yet to see Venom make an appearance. Will that change this issue? I don't know, probably? Eh, only one way to know for sure!

Maximum Carnage part 2: Web of Spider-Man #101

Summary: This issue gets started with Cloak and Dagger saving Spider-Man from some street toughs who were closing in to finish him off. FYI, I'm a big fan of the term, “street toughs” I really don't have a reason, it just makes me happy. Go figure. From there, Carnage defaces the Daily Bugle building after telling Jameson to send out word that he wanted to face off against Spider-Man and Venom.  Shriek and Doppel manage to locate Cloak, Dagger and the still injured Spidey at a nearby church, which leads to a two on three fight... At least until Carnage arrives, having been drawn by the sounds of the ruckus.

Oh snap, shit just got real now, son!

Carnage's crew takes charge of the fight, with Shriek killing Dagger, which causes a big explosion. When the smoke clears, Carnage is pissed that Shriek had killed Spidey(even though he isn't dead at all...), and smacks her around a bit before leaving with Shriek and Doppel in tow.

Hey look, Spidey is laying on the ground!  Clearly he must be dead.

Spidey wakes up, while Cloak is depressed that his team name had been shortened to Cloak and. Over in San Francisco, Venom learns of Carnage's rampage back in NYC and decides to head back east.

Thoughts: Man, these comics are SO much more fast paced than the early Teen Titans comics I'm also going through... I mean, stuff actually happens! Now, with that said there were a few parts of this comic that had me scratching my head, like Cloak and Dagger popping up just in time to save Spidey from the gang... That was a tad too convenient for my tastes. It wasn't like the gang members were crowing about their deed from the rooftops, they were quietly stalking Spidey up an alley, so Cloak and Dagger popping up was just too Deux Ex Machina for me. Also, what the hell is with Carnage just assuming Spider-Man was dead after Dagger died!? Sure, there was an explosion(that Carnage no sold, I might add), but Carnage is no rookie to murder.

Carnage: "I almost got Spidey, I guess that means he's dead!"

Hell, he killed 87 people at Ravencroft, I'd like to think he can tell the difference between breathing and not breathing, but I guess he can't.  Another weird thing was when Dagger died there was no body left. Like, there was NOTHING! No body, clothing, anything, she was just magically gone and “dead” like a bad guy in an old video game... All in all, besides my nitpicking, this was a strong comic that set up future events with Demogoblin and Venom learning of Carnage's antics. On to the next one!

Teen Titans #7

First things first, I'm going to alternate Teen Titans posts with Maximum Carnage posts for the next several days/weeks, so expect my next post to be a Maximum Carnage one. Now, with that out of the way, we've reached the seventh issue of this series of the Teen Titans! Huzzah!! Now, the last issue was pretty bad. But that's cool, I like bad comics! They're more fun to pick apart and/or ridicule. Honestly though, when I first read these issues(probably like 10 years ago) I remember them being really good... Now? They are the opposite of really good... But maybe it was just those first few issues and things just get amazing from this point forward! That could happen...

Teen Titans #7(March 2004) 

Summary: This is one of those, “A Day In The Life Of...” comics, looking at the various characters from the past few issues. Cyborg is a leader now, Beast Boy is still shallow, Starfire wants to learn patience, etc. What else we got... Um, Robin doesn't know what he wants to do when he grows up, while Wonder Girl finally gets into a school, mainly thanks to old friend Arrowette.

Yay, Arrowette!!  Also, was Principal David being female a weird shot at Peter David?

As for Superboy, Superman gives him Krypto, because 1950 is cool(according to Geoff Johns, at least). Kid Flash stops the kid version of Trickster.

Reading this comic makes me feel stupid, so I can relate here.

Deathstroke visits the grave of longtime associate Wintergreen and reveals that he's training his daughter, Rose(the future Ravager). Basically, all the kids miss their friends/teammates, while Deathstroke is pissed about Jericho killing his friend.

Thoughts: And that was that with that. My summary might have been really short, but this issue was a weirdly long read. I must have glanced over at the clock a few times while reading this comic, which is strange because I usually blow through these Titans books super fast. This issue just dragged on and on and on... The pacing here was just slow. Outside of Bart busting the Trickster, nothing happened. Like literally, nada. Usually in a really talky issue like this, something will get set up for the future, but not here. Wonder Girl gets into a school! Robin stares blankly at a piece of paper! Superboy gets a dog!

At this point I can't help but to think that Superman is going out of his way to make Conner miserable...

It was just boring. And boring is definitely my Kryptonite... Give me terrible! Give me dumb! But boring is just a killer. Ugh...

Maximum Carnage part 1: Spider-Man Unlimited #1

So yeah, lots of Teen Titans stuff on the blog lately, si? How about we shake things up a bit? Yeah, I like that. I think it's time to add some Marvel to this blog, back when they understood their fanbase. Yes, it's time to head into the wayback machine and go back to 1993... Ah yes... 1993... Superman was dead and the Reign of Supermen had begun over in DC, while Marvel? Marvel gave us the 14 part Maximum Carnage event... And that's what I'll be taking a look at here. Here's a quick FYI before we get underway... This event is only the second storyline to include Carnage, so he was pretty new still. In his debut story, Spidey and Venom were forced to put aside their longstanding hatred for each other to defeat Carnage. So right off the bat Carnage was established as a huge threat that Spidey was unable to defeat on his own. With that backstory stuff out of the way, I think it's time to get this party started!

Maximum Carnage part 1: Spider-Man Unlimited #1

Summary: This issue gets underway with Carnage revealing to the doctors at the Ravencroft institution that he was able to produce his symbiote from his blood, meaning when the doctors go to draw blood, Carnage is reborn.

That is SO not a good sign...

Carnage happily slaughters his way through Ravencroft when he notices Shriek, who cheers Carnage on during his murder spree. After some thought, Carnage decides to free Shriek, and the two escape. Meanwhile, Spider-Man and Mary Jane attend the funeral of Harry Osborn, which leads to Spidey promising MJ that he'd take a break from doing Spidey stuff... HAHA! I can only imagine how many times he promised THAT! While swinging through Manhattan, Carnage mistakes Doppelganger for Spidey and attacks him. Shriek likes the weird-ass look of Doppel, and convinces Carnage to take Doppel along as an adopted son of sorts. With that settled, Carnage leaves his new “family” behind and heads off to attend to some personal business. Spidey heads out to pick up some Chinese food, but spots Shriek and Doppel on a rooftop and confronts them.

Why the hell is Spidey announcing his actions like this is a sporting event?

The two sides battle to a stalemate, with Spidey knocking Shriek out, but Doppel busting up Spidey's ribs before leaving with Shriek. As for Carnage, he stops by the Daily Bugle to say hello to his old hostage, J. Jonah Jameson.

Once again, this?  NOT a good sign...

Thoughts: Good stuff, good stuff. This comic was very fast paced and didn't really drag at any point. Carnage gets his symbiote back, gains two nutjobs to team with, and goes to see Jameson. As for Spidey, he meets up with Shriek and Doppelganger and is injured, which is a great way keep Spidey vulnerable in the coming issues as he faces Carnage and his crew. There were some weird moments, like MJ randomly smoking(I don't remember her going through that phase...),

Spidey's got some balls for chiding MJ on her smoking when he's nearly getting killed nightly!

Peter's parents being around(Ugh.....) and Doppel still being around after the events of Infinity War, but none of that detracts from the good in this comic. Yeah, as far as opening issues of an event go, this one hit it out of the park.

Teen Titans #6

I don't know if this is the last part of the first storyarc of the Teen Titans, or if this is the first part of the second... I mean... It's the sixth issue, and years of reading recent books tell me that most storylines go 6 issues(to better sell them as a trade), or sometimes 4, but the Deathstroke story went 5... What. The. Hell?!? I mean, I'd guess this would have been in the first trade, so I'm gonna say that it's a part of the first storyarc, if only to save what's left of my fragile psyche... Yes I obsess over really weird things... Okay, let's finish this storyline out then!

Teen Titans #6(Feb. 2004)

Summary: So Wonder Woman is pissed about Starfire offering Wonder Girl a spot on the Titans, even though Wonder Woman specifically told Starfire not to do that. Wonder Woman points that out to Starfire, who goes nuclear, half-naked alien and start shouting about how she was sold into slavery and that Wonder Girl should be able to make choices... Um, those two things are FAR from the same. Also, that's like the frigging sixth time Starfire has mentioned that in this damn series!! We get it! Now move on... So anyway, Starfire blasts Wonder Woman, which leads to the two fighting. Of course, the rest of the Justice League show up, and you KNOW what that means!!! Yes, it's the classic, “Two Heroes(and/or teams) meet, have a misunderstanding and fight!!” Anyway, everybody pairs off with their mentor,

Who runs with their arms like that???  Also, who runs away spouting weird-ass shit like that?!?

except for Green Lantern, Beast Boy and Cyborg, who have no teen sidekicks...   :(   Blah blah blah, fight fight fight,

Years of reading Batman comics tells me otherwise...  He loves smacking his Robins around!

with everything halting when Nightwing, who, I guess was randomly in the neighborhood, pops up and tells everybody to chill out.

Ugh...  Bart's dialogue in this issue...  Just ugh...

And believe it or not, that actually works! The Titans are all, “Hey old dudes, let us do shizzle our own way, #lol!” While the JLA are all, “That's swell, youngsters. We just want to be involved in your lives!” And everybody agrees, I guess? I'm still puzzled by how the fight ended and the weird-ass way everybody just sort of decided to leave. Oh, and Robin tells Superboy that he is indeed half Lex Luthor, because Geoff Johns. Also, Lex Luthor was the one sending the emails to Robin. Because Geoff Johns.

Thoughts: Thoughts? Yeah, I have one, how the hell did the fight end? Nightwing pops up and tells the JLA to respect the Titans privacy, not a single member of the League agrees to do that, and everybody just leaves!! What the hell is that?! Also, much like last issue gave us a Raven Ex Machina, this issue blessed us with a Nightwing Ex Machina... I don't get why Dick was there...

What the hell expression is on Robin's face here?!  

 Like, the given reason was that he had overheard “Wonder Woman's problem” on his JLA communicator and showed up, but why was he out in California in the first place? He lives in frigging New Jersey! It's not like he was out walking Bat-Dog and saw the fight happening across the street, he was, literally, the entire country away!! I just don't know with these comics anymore... It's like Johns isn't even trying!! Oh, and then we get Robin revealing to Superboy that he took tests, and Superboy is definitely half Lex Luthor, which gives us this gem by Superboy, and I quote, “I've got a fifty-fifty chance of growing up to be the world's greatest hero---or the world's greatest villain...” No! No you don't!! He's not Superman OR Lex Luthor!! How... Why would he just randomly become pure evil?!? Because Lex is? So?! It's not like Superboy lived the exact same life as Lex, and as such grew up just like him! Ugh... This issue was such a disaster! I'm almost afraid to find out what the next issue is gonna bring...

Teen Titans #5

We're still rolling through the first storyline in the Teen Titans series from the early 00's. Or aughts. Ugh, what an ugly word. I'd have went with the zeroes, personally, that sounds way cooler than the aughts. That sounds like something a toad would say or something. This is what happens when people don't ask my opinion of the important things! Speaking of which, here's the final part of that Titans story.

Teen Titans #5(Jan. 2004)

Summary: The Young Justice Titans lay the literal smackdown on Deathstroke's candy ass, with Superboy preparing to finish the baddie off. However, Jericho manages to jump out of Deathstroke's body and into Superboy's. Superboy goes on a bit of a rampage, which allows the older “Teen” Titans to show up. This leads to Jericho jumping into Kid Flash, followed by Starfire, before Raven randomly arrives on the scene. Raven absorbs(I guess) Jericho, thus ending his threat. She spouts a bunch of nonsense(with I'm sure tons more coming when we get to her storyline...) before she is forcibly teleported away.

Yeah, I ask myself that same question often while reading these comics...

With that, we find out that Deathstroke escaped in the confusion, and the Teen Titans head home. Bart reveals that he's Kid Flash now because he's going to be the Flash one day, just like his grandpappy(I'm personally stunned it took Geoff Johns a whole 5 issues before he somehow worked Barry Allen's cursed name into this). Wonder Girl and Superboy discuss their relationship, which leads to a kiss,

Why did we need 2 panels for the kiss?  I mean, I totally got what was happening in that first panel...

a kiss that is rudely interrupted by the arrival of an angry Wonder Woman, who tells Cassie she didn't want her associating with the Teen Titans.

Summary: I was getting into this issue with the Jericho body jumping stuff. You know, wondering how the Titans would defeat him. However, we get a literal Deus Ex Machina here as Raven inexplicably pops up, gets rid of Jericho and disappears as quickly... Now THAT is some lazy-ass writing! I mean, she literally shows up, solves the problem and leaves! So yeah, that was a letdown to what was a pretty good fight. From there we get our first Wonder Girl/Superboy kiss of the series, as well as Bart sort of/kind of explaining why he was Kid Flash now, “Well, I read a lot of books, and don't want people to think I'm impulsive anymore, so viola!” Impulse is one of my all time favorite characters, but the wild change in Bart's attitude doesn't bug me much because the two Barts are SO different I consider them completely different characters. Come the next issue we're going to get a JLA appearance, followed by, I'm guessing, that Raven story... And THAT is something I am dreading!

Teen Titans #4

We're almost through with the first Teen Titans story arc, and wound up with an interesting(-ish) cliffhanger last issue. But that was pretty much all we got, as that last issue was largely forgettable. Here's hoping this one turns out to be a bit more exciting!

Teen Titans #4(Dec. 2003)

Summary: Things get started with Deathstroke taking advantage of last issue's revelation by turning the tables on Beast Boy and Cyborg, leading to their defeat.

Yep, you called it, this definitely gets a ♪Wah Wah♪

However, Deathstroke, or Jericho, or whatever you want to call him, doesn't strike the killing blow because... Um, reasons, I guess. The Young Justice Titans head to the hospital to see their fallen teammate, Impulse, but learn that Impulse had already been checked out, and that he headed to the library. The group heads to the library, where they are ignored by Impulse, who is reading every book in the place. While that's going on, Wonder Girl is given a lasso similar to Wonder Woman's by Ares, leaving Wonder Girl confused.

Well, if you don't want it, why the hell did you take it??

Deathstroke heads into the library and attacks Robin, trouncing him in battle.

Dammit Deadpool, leave him alone...  Oh wait, this is DC...  Whoops!

Deathstroke goes to shoot Robin in the head(even though he had the chance to kill a Titan earlier and didn't take it...), but the bullet is plucked out of the air by Impulse, who is now dressed in the Kid Flash duds.

Summary: This issue was a lot like the last one, in that not a whole lot went on. Like, literally the entire first half was the Young Justice Titans going to the hospital, then the library, the Ares/Wonder Girl stuff, and the end of the fight between Beast Boy and Cyborg. It was a lot of empty pages. As for what was in here, I liked the Ares/Wonder Girl interaction, mainly because I really like DC's version of Ares(way more than the Marvel version), and I'm kind of intrigued to see what the deal with the lasso is. The Deathstroke/Robin fight went as expected... Or did it??? I mean, there's no doubt Slade would KO Robin in the first round of a fight between the two, but I thought this was Jericho wearing Slade's body... Which would make me think that the fight would be more tilted in Robin's favor, since I don't see Jericho in Robin's league fighting-wise. I guess Jericho keeps Slade's muscle memory and fighting skills while possessing him? Which doesn't really make sense, but that's DC for ya. Either that or Deathstroke is lying about being possessed, which would make all of those thoughts above meaningless. Besides that, the big news was Impulse turning into Kid Flash, which I'm pretty meh to. Johns obviously doesn't want to write Bart like the way he was portrayed in the Impulse solo series or Young Justice, so I guess he might as well change his name/personality. I'm still waiting for an explanation on why Bart randomly decided to become Kid Flash(as well as where he found an old Kid Flash costume...), but I'm guessing that will come with time. Maybe.

Teen Titans #3

Okay, last issue we found out that Deathstroke was going to be the main villain in this first story arc. Impulse was also shot in the knee, which I recall leads to him turning into Kid Flash, even though I don't remember the specifics of that... Like, how does getting kneecapped lead to one taking on a new(old) persona? Other than the most likely excuse, there was a Kid Flash in the 50's/60's, so Geoff Johns needed there to be one around now!!!!11!!!1!!1!!!! On with the show!!

Teen Titans #3(Nov. 2003)

Summary: We kick things off with Cyborg rushing Impulse to the hospital so he could get his leg worked on. While Cyborg and Beast Boy wait at the hospital, Starfire shows the rest of the Young Justice Titans the Teen Titans memorial room, as well as tells them that they weren't allowed to go rushing off to find Deathstroke... Also, Robin seemed to know what Deathstroke said to Impulse prior to shooting him, which is weird because I doubt Impulse would be coherent enough to relay a message after being shot in the knee, but what evs. Robin lies to Starfire about not leaving, and then sneaks off with Superboy and Wonder Girl.

Um, good to know?

Meanwhile, the church of Blood seem to have resurrected Raven(Ugh...). Back to this issue, Beast Boy picks up Deathstroke's scent at the hospital, which leads to Cyborg and Beast Boy attacking the merc. The two Titans handle Deathstroke, which causes Deathstroke to reveal that it was actually Jericho controlling Deathstroke's body.

Thoughts: This was a pretty slow issue. It was a whole lotta nothing, followed by the Deathstroke/Titans fight, and the cliffhanger reveal. And that's basically it. We see that Raven seems to be trapped/possessed by Brother Blood's minions, which I really don't care much about. Raven was always such a meh character to me, so I'm not really keen on seeing her pop up. Starfire got to look like an idiot in this issue, as she was easily outsmarted by Robin with a simple lie. But then, I doubt they keep Starfire around for her brains anyway... Huh, I literally can't think of anything else that happened here... Ah well, on to the next one!

Jeez, this comic was so slow I don't even have any more pics to post...

Teen Titans #2

Okay, a new day, a new Teen Titans review. The first issue saw Geoff Johns doing what Geoff Johns does, shit all over the past work of other writers. Will that trend continue? Will Batman continue being weird regarding Tim Drake's personal life? Will Cyborg actually show up? Will Beast Boy continue perving on underage girls? The answer to all that and more will be revealed... Now!

Teen Titans #2(Oct. 2003)

Summary: We start off by seeing that Deathstroke is crazy again.

Human head as a trophy?  Insanity confirmed.

Next up, Robin acts creepy and steals some of Superboy's hair from a towel after Superboy tells him to forget about the whole, “Half Lex Luthor” thing.

Picking hair from your best friend's bath towel?  Creepiness confirmed.

Wonder Girl decides that joining up with the Teen Titans was a mistake and is prepared to leave, at least until the Titans hear an explosion at nearby Alcatraz Island. The full team(minus Cyborg, who waits to make a more dramatic appearance later) rush over to help clear the tourists from the burning prison island. With the tourists clear, Beast Boy and Cyborg go to work on putting out the fires.

But...  Where did all that water come from?

Bart Allen/Impulse/Kid Flash heads in to do a sweep to make sure there are no stragglers still in the building, but gets hit by a dart that temporarily paralyzes him.

Bart Allen, fastest of the Titans is the one who gets shot with a dart...  Thanks, DC.  Also, isn't it moths to a flame??

Deathstroke then strolls over, tells Bart to inform the Titans that he didn't want to see any more kids running around in costumes, and proceeds to shoot Bart in the knee with a shotgun, ending this issue.

Thoughts: I don't remember what pushed Deathstroke over the edge this time around. I'm gonna guess that Ravager or Jericho was dead and he went crazy mourning, but I'm blanking on which was the more likely scenario in 2003. I'm gonna guess it was Jericho. I know he went evil in the 90's, and I think he died as a result. But then, I also know he was back by the early 10's, so I'm not exactly sure. Oh well, I guess I'll find out going forward(probably). This issue did put a few wheels in motion, we find out who the first big bad of the series is(Deathstroke is always a great choice), Bart begins the process of becoming Kid Flash, and the Titans begin to form into a team. Sure there was some cringe-worthy stuff in here, like the scene between Bart and Cassie *shudder*,

In other words, "I jack it to you nightly.  You cool with that?"

or any scene Beast Boy was in, but overall, a good showing.

Teen Titans #1

Okay, quick story time... Me and JT were talking about the blog and we figured I'd review a full series of something. Basically the main two choices wound up being Young Justice(late 90's) or Teen Titans(early 00's). In the end we decided to go with the Titans series, mainly because it's the series I least wanted to read, and as such would almost definitely have more things to poke fun at. Plus, since JT and I both have access to the full series, as I review, JT can read along and put in his ill-informed two cents. Alright, with that out of the way, let's take a gander at the 2003 version of the Titans.

Teen Titans #1(September 2003)

Summary: Oh hell... It's the Geoff Johns show... So we kick things off with Superboy now living in Smallville and going to Smallville High. He hates it and skips class, which leads to him bumping into Superman who scolds him for ditching class, but invites him to the newest incarnation of the Teen Titans, led by Cyborg(who is not a teen... Just sayin'...). Similar scenes play out between Batman and Robin, The True Flash, Wally West and Impulse, as well as Starfire and Wonder Girl. The kids are all angsty about joining due to Donna Troy dying the last time they did a team thing, but all decide to go through with it.

No means no, Bart!!

Come Friday, the Titans all meet up at the new Titans Tower in San Fran, but are all weird around each other. Come the middle of the night, Superboy and Robin meet up(TRYST!!!), with Robin getting an email informing him that Superboy was now the clone of Superman and... Lex Luthor. Why? Because Geoff Johns.

This seems like how a super-hero themed porno would start...

Thoughts: Deep breaths, X... You can get through this... Basically, Johns does what he always seems to do, he takes things back to the rocking 1950's! Superboy goes from living on his own in either New York or Metropolis(I forget which, it's been a bit since I read the Superboy series) to randomly living in Smallville, so he could live with the Kents and go to Smallville High, just like Superman did in the 50's! And don't even get me started on the Superboy being a clone of Lex Luthor thing, even though it was clearly established that wasn't the case in the Superboy series. The very same Superboy series where a certain Geoff Johns wrote in to the editor saying that they should make Superboy the clone of Lex Luthor... Yep, that's a real thing that happened. So as usual, Johns came in and went all nuclear fanboy on shit. Outside of that, there really wasn't too much going on. This issue served it's purpose in getting the kids together, as well as introducing us to Starfire, Cyborg and Beast Boy, who are serving as the senior members of the team. That kind of always bugged me too, the fact that there were senior members of this squad.

"We're not gonna judge you...  Except for all those times we do..."

The original Titans didn't have anybody looking over their shoulders, nor did Young Justice, which is where this comic spun from. So why would these characters agree to do exactly what they were doing in Young Justice, but with Cyborg and that creepy-ass Beast Boy supervising them?

Dude, you're like 20-something!  No es bueno!

I don't get that. I also don't get the weird way Batman was written here. “You need friends...”?! What the hell Batman is THAT?!

Mind your own damn business, Bruce!

Ugh. Welp, if nothing else I can at least say this, one issue down, 99 to go!

Action Comics Annual #1

Let's take a break from the Teen Titans for a little bit, and check out some 1980's Superman instead. Specifically, Superman vs vampires, back before vampires were popular, hot and sparkly. Now, normally I'd laugh that entire Superman vs random vampires concept off, what with Supes being bulletproof and all, but vampires are magical creatures(I guess?) and therefore fall into the rare, “Things that could kick Superman's ass” category. Or so I'm guessing. If not, I'm thinking this comic isn't going to last long...

Action Comics Annual #1(1987)

This review brought to you by Planters Peanuts! 'Planters, put some nuts in your mouth!'

Summary: A vampire named Skeeter(she's from a shack in South Carolina, where I guess names like Skeeter are commonplace) has returned to her home town after taking a trip to see Gotham City. That trip led to Ms. Skeeter vampire biting some of the locals, which has led to Batman tracking her down to what seems like Hicksville, USA... After realizing that he was dealing with a legit vampire, and not a sick vampire wannabe, Batman gets in contact with Clark Kent, and asks him to send Superman, since vampires were a bit out of Batman's wheelhouse(but, in Batman's mind at least, right up Superman's alley!). While waiting for Supes to arrive, Batman keeps searching the town and bumps into Skeeter, who thinks Batman was there to help her(for some reason...). Skeeter soon realizes that Batman wasn't the savior she was hoping for, and lets him fall into the swamp, where she figures he died... Huh, she really doesn't know Batman, does she?

Yup, I'm sure that's the end of the Dark Knight.

From there, Superman, who just arrived in town, prevents a bunch of townspeople under Skeeter's spell from wrecking the town. For unrevealed reasons. Well, not Supes, the townspeople. I don't know what their gripe is. Or Skeeter's actually. Also, Superman builds a wall around the possessed townspeople at super-speed, which doesn't seem possible, what with a bunch of possessed people wandering around, Superman having to find wall pieces, as well as stuff that will keep said pieces from just falling down, time for said stuff to dry, etc, etc...

Now how the hell did he do that??!

Anyway, Skeeter shows up and engages Supes in battle, besting him due to that whole magic thing I mentioned earlier.

Damn this fiendish vampire with it's kung fu treachery!

Before Skeeter can deliver the fatal bite though, Batman stabs her through the back with a long pointed stick, killing her.

Well shit, if that doesn't deserve a ♫Wah Wah♫ I don't know what does!

Annnnnnnnd, that's a wrap.

Thoughts: Okay, I have to ask, how the hell did Batman manage to track Skeeter(god do I hate that name...) to Hicksville, South Carolina in the first place? He didn't recognize Skeeter when the two met up, which means he wasn't tracking Skeeter by name or face. He didn't even know that Skeeter was a legitimate vampire until after he meets her, so what gives? I mean, I know a lot of times we just chalk coincidences and odd story points up to Batman's whole “World's Greatest Detective” thing, but this comic was taking that a little bit too far! Moving past that, in this comic we find out that Batman doesn't know that Superman is Clark Kent... How does that work?!? He's the World's Greatest Detective!! Those damn glasses Clark wears are enough to fool Batman?! THE Batman?! I swear, if I ever decided to rob a bank I'm just going to style my hair slightly different and put on a pair of glasses... Nobody would possibly be able to recognize me then! Also, what gives with Skeeter watching Batman fall into the swamp and then act like he was certainly dead? It's not like he fell into a bottomless pit, he fell into a swamp! Wouldn't you want to, oh, I don't know, make sure he was dead, especially considering that he now knows where you live!? On the plus side, this comic gave us Batman being his regular dickish self to Superman, and who doesn't enjoy that?

Batman was the one who got Supes into this mess to begin with!!

Brave and the Bold #60(Final part)

Yay, last part of the tour-de-force that everybody will soon be talking about(in my mind at least), the conclusion of the Separated Man saga. I've read some fantastic comic book tales in my day. And I've also read this... Let's all sit back and find out how the Teen Titans plan on defeating a giant foot, as well as a giant ear... Personally, I'm still waiting for some of the more... Shall we say, lewd parts of the Separated Man to make their presence known...

Brave and the Bold #60(July 1965):

Summary: Oh, so the giant mouth isn't just trying to blow Wonder Girl from the sky, it's also screaming at her. Yes, it's screaming so loudly, that poor Wondy can't even think... Luckily, she snatches a billboard and throws it in the mouth's... Um, mouth? That shuts it up and and causes it to retreat. From there, the Titans can't seem to locate the Separated Man(I'm going to ignore Kid Flash falling into a pit of mud because it's just too embarrassing...), who has gone into hiding... Even though he's a giant freak... The Prof. tells Robin where his secret lab full of Separated Man serum is, but as luck(or unluck) would have it, the Separated Man's ear has overheard this and races off to get to the lab.

"Holy earwax, Batman!  How'd I miss that gigantic ear over there!?"

That gives us our obligatory Aqualad moment, as he helps the teens of Midville attack the now Un-Separated Man as he races to the lab's location. The teens attack via surfboard, because, as I said, we need Aqualad to do something! The Prof. reveals to Robin that he lied about where his lab was, since he was hoping to draw the Separated Man out of hiding...  Wait, the Prof., a man who has destroyed a town, as well as committed several crimes while in prison lied?!?! I can't believe it! Wonder Girl holds the Separated Man steady with her lasso, which gives Robin the opportunity to stab the Separated Man with the anti-serum needle, turning him back to normal and ending the threat.

So wait, we actually have a water rescue scene and Aqualad doesn't even get a part of it???

With that, the Prof. turns himself back over to the authorities, with Robin assuring him that he wouldn't get any additional jail time for breaking out, since he was only trying to help stop the Separated Man... I don't think that's how this works, Dick... With the job done, the Titans head back to their various cities, and this comic heads away from me.

Thoughts: Ah wacky Teen Titans comics from the 1960's... What would I poke fun at without you? This comic was everything I had hoped it would be and more! I will say that I am a bit annoyed that the Separated Man didn't use his giant genitalia at all in this adventure, but I guess there's always next time. It was also kind of weird that the Separated Man never uttered a word, when he was a giant, nor when he was just the ex-cellmate. It's not often you see a villain who can talk, not saying a word. Hmm, what else can I add to this one that I haven't already said... Oh, I know! How the hell does Kid Flash lose a giant pair of feet in a large, wide-open field?? I mean, sure, he fell in a mud bog, but still... That was just sad... Hey, much like this comic!

I guess it's always been tough to be a fan of poor Wally West...

JT Review: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (Part One)

Hey blogosphere, JT here with another retro review starring another one of the people that would literally have died a thousand times without Superman around, Lois Lane! After last week's review with Jimmy Olsen's general stupidity, I figured why not look at the other woman in Superman's life, so here we are.

Now you MAY be wondering why this review is a Part One... well originally I just planned on reviewing "The Fattest Girl in Metropolis"... because how could I not? But while looking through this issue I discovered another story called "The Girl of 100 Costumes". Now after Jimmy's 100 disguises a.k.a. TWO disguises, I gotta see if Lois can outdo him, right? So that'll be part dos. Anyway, let's get this review started?

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #5 (1958)

Superman doesn't NEED to peek around the corner, he has X-Ray vision. Also, insert fat joke here?

Summary: So things start off with Lois witnessing a murder... yep. She's driving back and sees a gangster make an unconscious gangster drive off a cliff, so he doesn't have to split the take with him. That's not how I saw this story starting. Lois reports the crime but says the criminal is so average looking, she has no description to go on. Lois reports the guy but says she'd only recognize him in person. What? I... okay. For some reason, the Daily Planet runs an article on Lois titled "Girl reporter witnesses murder" with a PICTURE OF LOIS in the article. That can't be good.

I can't be the only one that sees the problem with this, right?

From there, Lois goes to interview a scientist for an article. It turns out Bill Nye over here created a growth ray and uses it to make some berries plumper. He then somehow wildly wields his compensating machine and sprays Lois with growth rays. He assures Lois that the rays only work on plant life, not humans and she believes it because she's an idiot. I'd sue for millions! Anyway, she wakes up the next day and is, in her own words, "a two-ton girl". Lois calls Bill Nye and he tells her that he doesn't have an antidote to his fat machine but he can make her one and it should only take a month! Lois tries to get ready for work but all of her clothes are too small... luckily Lois has a fat neighbor! Lois' portly pal loans her some clothes, but not before letting Lois and us know that she buys her clothes at the "Fat Girls Shoppe". Yep, cause that's a place people would support monetarily.

Lois Lane buying clothes at the Fat Shoppe. I didn't expect to type that sentence when I woke up.

Lois IMMEDIATELY goes to the Fat Girl Shoppe and picks up some extra large duds. She also realizes she needs to stay away from Superficial-man because he'd want no part of her large parts. Lois steps outside and Superman happens to be flying by, so she asks two overweight strangers if she can ride with them, and because fat people are notoriously jolly, they say sure. Lois climbs in the car and the combined weight of three fat women causes, I shit you not, the tire axles to break and all four wheels fall in. Superman swings by and picks them up, but he doesn't recognize Lois due to her... ailment. So he of course wastes no time in insulting her. He basically says, "You're so fat... man, you're heavy as hell and I'm Superman. Normally I carry around a hot little thing named Lois, but you're like two Lois'... geez fatty, you are fat!" I'm exaggerating, but not by much...

Superman: Just so you know, you're much fatter than my girlfriend.

At work, Jimmy Olsen gives Lois the EXTRA-STRONG chair because she's SO fat... like... she's so fat, she uses hula-hoops as earrings! Lois explains what happened, then asks Jimmy, Perry and Clark to give her a heads up if Superman is in the area so he doesn't see how big she's gotten. Clark says he'll keep Supes in the dark. Moving on, Lois decides to diet, exercise and try to burn the fat away via a hot box. She manages to lose a whole one and a half pound but relapses when she remembers it's her birthday (How... how you forget that?) and discovers Superman has sent her a GIANT box of chocolates. HA! Superman is SUCH an asshole. Lois eats all the chocolate and gains two and a half pounds... haha. Lois is also too big to wear the bracelet Superman gave her last year that detects when Kryptonite is nearby. That seems like a thing HE would need more than her. The next day, Lois attends a wedding as a bridesmaid, and Superman is there too because sure. When the Groom reveals the ring, Lois' bracelet alerts her it's Kryptonite, so she throws the ring?! Her secret revealed, she announces... in the middle of these people's wedding... that she's caught THE fat. Lois runs off, but stays to catch the bouquet.. okay.

She turned fat! Oh, the humanity!!!

Lois' next mission is reporting on an Amusement park. She's offered the job as the Fat Lady if she can gain a few pounds but she graciously denies it instead of kicking that guy's ass. Lois happens to be walking by fun house mirrors and looks like her skinny self. Coincidentally, the guy from the beginning of this review that murdered that other guy sees the skinny Lois! He realizes he couldn't find her because she "turned" fat.

He's trying to KILL her and he's still making fat jokes.

The killer tries to... er... uh... kill Lois, but Superman melts his bullets and saves Lois. Superman then reveals he'd been following Lois and HE had Bill Nye make her fat so the criminal couldn't track her! Holy shit, I didn't see that coming! Superman takes the killer to jail, then takes Lois to the science guy and de-fattens her. He tells Lois she'll be slim by morning, so Lois takes advantage of her hefty frame and makes Superman take her out to dinner. Lois eats herself silly as Superman laments his "big" ideas since he's paying for dinner.

Thoughts: This review is so long! Sorry guys, I wanted you to get all the info about Fat Lois. Okay, few things we need to discuss. You PROBABLY shouldn't put a picture of someone on the front page of a newspaper after they rat out a murderer that hasn't been caught yet. And I know Superman told the Scientist to shoot Lois with the fat ray, but what the fuck dude? You're a scientist and you're just zapping people willy nilly with experimental rays?!

Next, let's talk about the wedding. Lois RUINED these people's wedding, threw their ring away, and it didn't even LEAD to anything! Like, it just happened solely for that to be a thing where Lois could be fat. If you cut that section out of the comic literally nothing would change. Then she caught the bouquet solely so she could say "Fat chance!" when someone said she'd get married next. Yep.

Then there's the fat jokes. Oh fat people, breaking cars and being insulted by everyone from Jimmy Olsen to Superman. Superman was a GIANT dick here. He made Lois fat, he insulted her on purpose while KNOWING SHE WAS LOIS, and he sent her a big ass box of candy for her birthday, yet never told her Happy Birthday. He even complained about her being heavy when he picked her up... I've seen him MOVE PLANETS. All that aside... that was a hell of a twist so I can't even be mad.


# of pages: 8 (I know... all that review for 8 pages?!)
# of times Lois stood on a scale: 3
# of Fat Jokes: 15

Brave and the Bold #60(part 2)

And now, for the blog post you have all been waiting for, the second part of the Separated Man caper! I'm still a bit stunned about that first part... It's easily one of the weirdest things I've ever read... I mean, it's just random, giant body parts attacking a town! Like, who comes up with something like that!? What sort of drugs would you need in order to dream something like that up?! So yeah, the Teen Titans were about to get crushed by a pair of giant feet. Let's find out what happens next!

Brave and the Bold #60(July 1965):

Summary: Wonder Girl springs into action and lassos the giant feet and tosses them away. However, teen mayor for the day, Tommy Holmes, notices his father, Prof. Holmes, hanging off of one of the giant feet holding, yep, you guessed it, a giant needle. Wait a minute, I doubt anybody would have guessed he was holding a giant needle...

What am I even reading?!?

Anyway, Robin takes a bunch of the town's teens, on scooters, to lasso a giant hand that was menacing the town's adults. The kids tie the giant hand to a rock, which is definitely one of the weirdest lines I've written since... Um, what day did I do that last post? From there, a giant eye flies over to the townspeople and starts to cry flaming tears! And Prof. Holmes thought this could somehow benefit society?!?!?!? Kid Flash dashes on the scene and starts to run a massive circle around the flaming tears, cooling them and turning them to stone... Why didn't they just blow out like you'd expect fire to do...

.........

Kid Flash then sees Prof. Holmes watching the scene play out with his giant needle, darts over, picks up the Prof. and rushes him to young Tommy. Prof. Holmes tells Tommy that it was his former cellmate who was now the Separated Man, and that his cellmate had stolen the small vial of Separated Man serum(CONTRABAND!!!) that the Prof. had smuggled into prison. His former cellmate was now tearing the town apart in an attempt to locate the Prof's lab in order to get more serum. Oh, and the giant needle contains anti-serum, in case that wasn't clear. A giant ear eavesdrops on that conversation... Yes, a giant ear, is literally hiding behind a mountain eavesdropping, and is forced to fly away when all of the town's teens begin to blare rock music at it from transistor radios... This is something that actually happened!!

Turn that racket down!!

Wonder Girl decides to chase after the giant ear to... I'm not even sure at this point... But she chases after it and is spied by a giant eye, which sends a giant mouth after her. The giant mouth tries to blow her out of the air, which ends the second part of this story...

Thoughts: Well. That happened. To be honest, I kind of just want to leave it at that. First off, can we discuss how exactly the Prof. figured this complete and utter monstrosity would ever benefit society!? I mean, it cries flaming tears! I will dare say that nothing that cries flaming tears will EVER benefit society in ANY way! Like ever! Looking past that though, the Prof. actions in prison... So he gets locked up for turning himself into a giant, separable freak, wrecks the town, and then manages to smuggle the very serum that got him locked up in the first place into the clink with him?! And then, his cellmate steals the serum(because of course he does) and is released from prison, which leads to the Prof. breaking out immediately in order to stop his ex-cellmate's path of destruction? Worst. Prison. Ever! And of course, the cliffhanger has Wonder Girl, the most powerful of the Teen Titans, being blown out of the air by a giant mouth... If she can't save herself from that, she deserves to be killed! By a giant mouth...