Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #88
Summary: We start things off with Jimmy picking up Lucy Lane from the airport. He discovers Lucy was the stewardess on a private plane for a rock star named Rick Rock. Turns out Rick wrote a song for Lucy and invites her to be his special guest during his "rock-n-roll dance sessions." Jimmy, much like myself, can tell that clearly Rick is talking about banging Lucy, so he calls Rick a "small-time tonsil tickler.", thus ruining Jimmy's credibility AND getting him beat up by a bunch of Rick's female fans. Jimmy gets his ass beat by girls so badly that he calls Superman for help. Superman saves Jimmy, and a distraught Jimmy tells Superman to take him home. HAHAHA! Oh Jimmy... poor, stupid Jimmy.
He's gonna cry when he gets home.
Jimmy decides that since he took guitar lessons ONCE... he's going to start a band. For some reason, Perry and Superman help him out and they announce this via the newspaper and announce that Superman will be the master of ceremonies for the debut of Jimmy Olsen's band. What's the name of Jimmy's band you ask, dear reader? Why it's "Jimmy Olsen and his Carrot-Top Cut-Ups" of course! Jimmy and his band practice and for some reason a photographer from a magazine is assigned to take pictures of them all week until their big debut. The night of the "big" debut, the drummer flakes, probably because he was tired of being teased for being a Carrot Cake Clip Clop or whatever. Luckily for Jimbo and the rest of the Cut-Ups, the photographer just HAPPENS to know how to play the drums! The photographer puts on one of the spare red wigs and joins the band on-stage. Before the show begins, Lois wishes Jimmy good luck and hopes he can win her sister back from the rocker she left Jimmy to be with... well, alright. Also, Superman shows up and gives a speech, because it's apparently also the Fourth of July.
This alien just compared the birth of our nation to a group of gingers starting a band. No wonder Lex hates you.
The band starts playing and Superman tells Jimmy that his music triggered his super-memories of his babyhood on Krypton... WHAT?! I... how would that even work?! And what makes them SUPER memories? Anyway, Superman starts this story with a memory of his dad using a rope gun on his mom, so we could get some of that sweet, sweet, Superwoman bondage action in this comic.
In front of your son? Damn Jor-El, you one freaky sumbitch.
Superman's dad was taking this super useful sex device to the patent office when his family sees a bunch of Kryptonians doing the latest dance craze, The Krypton Crawl. Kal-El, whom to my knowledge was a fucking BABY when he left Krypton, asks his mom "Why you dancing in the street, Mommy?" It turns out, there's some crazy ass sea monster that had a siren-like call and was luring the Kryptonians into it's mouth. How the fuck does he remember this?! Also... Krypton sounds horrifying! I'm glad it blew up. Anyway, Jor-El saves the day with his magical bondage gun.
Bondage. James... Bondage.
So Superman finishes this story... then tells Jimmy he remembers the music and it was catchy, so he writes it down for him and his band to perform. I'm sorry, what?! They play the song and Superman loses all control and starts dancing. He didn't think that this could possibly be a terrible idea? Superman dances so much that a flag pole broke and is careening towards him but Superman has gots to keep grooving, so he stops it with his head while continuing to dance.
Look at him go! He's like Showtime Dynomite!
Superman keeps dancing all the way to the docks just like the Kryptonians of old, and his "friend", Jimmy Olsen allows this to happen. Superman dances all the way to a ship that's full of beasts, then the spell of the Kryptonian Crawl wears off for some reason and they leave the ship and never interact with any of the beasts because why would they?!
Anyway, Jimmy's drummer leaves after taking a few more pictures. We soon learn that the drummer is ACTUALLY an international spy. He actually DRUGGED the real drummer then he doused Superman with red Kryptonite then told him to lie about that childhood story,The reason for this convoluted plan was so the photographer/drummer/spy could plant some explosive gas under the life boat to free the dangerous creatures so they could be free to menace all American shipping freighters. Holy shit that is a stupid plan! And it gets dumber, because Superman somehow realizes this is the plan so he FAKES THE EXPLOSION and then catches the criminal! But the icing on the cake is how Superman discovers that he was hoodwinked!
That's a HUGE leap!
So the issue ends with the drumming spy getting arrested and The Krypton Crawl becoming a top hit, even though it was only played live at a Fourth of July show. Jimmy and Lucy dance to the song as Jimmy asks Lucy what happened to Rick Rock. Lucy replies, "Who cares?" which I can only assume means they had sex and he never called her back. Rock on, Jimmy, Rock on!
Thoughts: Good lord. I've read some bad comics before but this thing was all over the place. Jimmy loses his girl on the SECOND PAGE, then we get a random ass story about Superman's childhood which made no sense because it shouldn't have happened. Then we get an explanation that basically says, oh, by the way, that was all a lie and Superman got drugged by red Kryptonite. Then we learn that this whole plan was put in place by international spies, and Superman catches them due to the fact that the fake photographer didn't take enough pictures?! For this to be a Jimmy Olsen comic, he was barely in it! He just lost his girl, started a band and got his girl back because the other dude didn't want her!
Also, If Superman's whole story was a lie, how the hell did he write up the melody of that Krypton Crawl song?! And why even make a story about his dad taking a sex gun to the patent office?!
# of pages: 8
# of panels of Superman dancing: 11!
# of times freaky Jor El used his bondage gun: 2